SOMEONE TOLD ME DEPRESSION IS SNEAKY 12/1/21

Boy, was the friend who made that statement correct! This past year I began a slow descent into depression and didn't even know it was happening. So here I am facing the fact that I was not normal for the past 12 months. I was not myself; I lost my direction and purpose. As my 15-year-old step-daughter recently pointed out I was drinking too much and all I did was walk around the house, supply groceries, and cook meals. Believe me she did not say these things that sweetly, but what can you expect from a hormonal 15-year-old. What she, the step-daughter, didn't see and couldn't possibly understand was how lost and useless I felt at the age of sixty-one during this time period.

Prior to 2020 I was visibly excited and happy. I was working on a new business venture, I literally described it as "my baby". I had a fabulous, beautiful, successful business partner whom I spoke to almost daily. We were creating jewelry designs, setting up websites, attending workshops and trade shows, and working marketing opportunities among other things. We were both certain our first collections were going to be amazing because we had a unique jewelry concept.

Our collections were supposed to be a celebration and a commemoration of what else...2020! We wanted to commemorate a year that should have been filled with momentous occasions, such as, the 100th anniversary of the 19th Amendment giving women the right to vote, 2020 elections, and Olympics. MMXX-2020 was the symbol and the theme we chose to launch. Obviously, it didn't work out in our favor. We had inadvertently chosen the "year from hell" and our investment of time and money resulted in loss.

Fortunately, my business partner had new, exciting opportunities that began in early 2021. Unfortunately, I had lost "my baby" and was turning sixty-one in June. It was difficult losing the weekly camaraderie. However, I truly wanted her to focus and be successful with her new venture. As for me, I felt the pain of loss...failure. That emotion is difficult when you have always been pretty "successful" in your ventures. I was turning sixty-one and COVID-19 had left me so physically ill that I literally couldn't walk up the stairs without heavy breathing.

It didn't stop there...I quit Facebook, didn't return calls and texts from friends and family, lost interest in my appearance, I stopped writing my blog, began giving things away, drank more than I should, and suffered more physical health setbacks. I could not explain what was happening to me because I didn't know what was happening. Then I read the article "The End of a Business Can Trigger the Normal Stages of Grieving Over a Loss" from the Baltimore Sun, November 22, 1992 which used the word "baby" to describe how an entrepreneur/business owner feels about their business and that is when I began to realize what was happening to me, myself, and I.

Fast forward, I spoke to my doctor and began getting off some anti-depressant medications...including Lexapro...I did it very, very slowly over the course of months. I have not taken any of the medication for the past two weeks. Wine made me feel numb, and I no longer want to feel numb so I avoid wine. Don't misunderstand I am not a teatotaler, I will gladly have martinis or slushy margaritas, but I don't have a need or desire to escape.

I have been more emotional, maybe because I am not use to having emotions after feeling so utterly defeated for a year. However, my mind is beginning to clear. As of today, I have lost 12 pounds since May. I am no longer considered obese for my age and height. Plus, I am applying for a volunteer opportunity. I just need to add regular exercise.

In close, I suspect that my husband, Bobby, is most likely the only reason I am living. He didn't give up on me. He consistently told me he loved me, told me I was beautiful, told me I would have my time to shine, and even dried my hair when I wasn't able to lift my arms for any length of time. Bobby made certain I was able to visit my family more often, though that could have been so he could have more time for his puzzles. At first my more frequent visits to family were because I thought they needed me, but in reality, I needed them. My mood has changed from seeing no future to looking forward to turning Seventy! I am not seeing perfect days, but brighter days.